Wife no longer complains about husband's beer gut.
With the wonders of miracle fertilization drugs and a God gracious enough to implant uteruses in men, Coonesville has three more youngins to look upon in admiration.
In an all but normal visit to Huddle House,
Mr. Harvey Cornsyrup Washington got a lot more than his normal sausage omelet and hasbrown scattered all the way. After finishing a solo meal served by the lovely miss Shirley Ann-Marie Redford, Mr. Washington felt something wasn't quite right; Ms. Redford explains.
...I didn't know what the hell was going on! I was just telling the man about my new tazmanian devil seat covers I bought at the Dollar General, and he just dropped everything and took off for the baffroom. I thought for sure he'd wanna hang around a little longer to check them out after I got off! I wanted that fine man to help me break 'em in, if ya know what I'm meanin'...."
Mr. Washington continues.
"I was just sittin there chit-chattin' with Shirley, soaking up the hashbrown juices with my biscuit, when my intestines done started doing cartwheels over my butthole... I ain't EVER had to shit so bad in my life..."
The following depiction may be a little too graphic for our younger readers.
"...After I made it to the toilet, I dropped my pants as fast as I could but I think my inards were already on the way out.
Hellfire and damnation had already set up shop in my ass and the devil hisself had my balls in a bear trap. I couldn't help but to holler and yell out curse werds just like that little nubile pervert girl in 'The Exorcist'. Then I think I passed out, but not fer long. The smell, which was worse than Uncle Jeds house when he's cookin' chitterlings, woke me up... all I know is after that, those three little youngins were just laying there screamin and cussin me in a steaming pool of cursed roast beef soup. I think the Lord done choosin me fer an immaculate exception or whatever it's called, just like the virgin Mary.... and that's why I'm naming them all Jesus..."
Mr. Washington, who has also been fighting inevitable weight gain from midnight cravings of ice cream and beef jerky, was pleased to find that the whole ordeal cost him 85 lbs.
"...Not only that, but that hottie Shirley gave me my meal free! wooooo heeeee!!!"
Three of Coonesville's finest ladies have traveled to Biloxi to work at the famous Deja Vu strip club.
Bitsey Claire Sherwood, Bertrice Patsy Womack, and Opal Leanne Harrel have purchased nice single wide to live in until they "make it big." Deja Vu owner Wesley "Royal" Spitz said many have asked why he would hire the ladies, who will be stripping odd days of the week and holidays.
"Most my competition says I've made a mistake hiring Bitsey, Bertrice, and Opal. They say people will stop coming out of utter disgust," however, Spitz says he has a solution for that. "The new heifers will be stripping in their own private room, away from the usual patronage." Spitz also says he feels confident he will be able to recoup the money lost from having to remodel the club's sign to better fit the new lineup on stage. According to Spitz, he feels that "now the Deja Vu can cater to a new class of customers, the trashier side of society, who often prefer more homely ladies." From this he plans to increase revenue. Also, he feels he will now be able to gain back money he's been losing by kegs of the Beast and Natural Lite spoiling because nobody will buy such cheap beer.
"These damn hillbillies just soak the stuff up."
PGN asked Opal Harrel why she wanted to leave Coonesville. She said her new job would allow her and her boyfriend, Tyrone Leroy Jones, who will also be staying in the single wide, to live in peace away from her father. "He done alriddy drove his Chevette into the side of my trailer when I was datin' Paco. I just dun wanna think bout what he might do now dat i'm datin' an afreekan pygmy man, specilly when he drunk," said Opal before adding "besides, we're having a baby." Tyrone added "I beat that damn cracker's ass he tries any shit."
Bertrice said all the men would be coming to see the trio since "Royal said we were extree special and deserved our own dancin' room, away from the other ladies." Bitsey would also like everyone in Coonesville to know she will be assuming the stage name "Southern Divinity" and that she hopes to someday gain enough fame to make PGN's spread for Hottie and a Half of the Month.
While many are upset over the loss of such fine specimens from Coonesville, some say they'll definitely be staying "in touch." "Hoo, I for one know I'll be headin' down ta Biloxi for a peek at those ladies, daggum de're hot, mmm" said Howard Dwayne Dozier, local above ground pool salesman.
Earl Roscoe Jackson has once again returned to Coonesville from one of his
frequent absences. Prone to alien abductions, the local gentry is not at all surprised. Interviewed at Mel's Barber Shop, Clit Marshall said "ev'body done know that damn Earl is some sort of alien sex slave, kinda like when i was under the spell of that triflin' saucy wench Ellie Mae Hewlitt Monroe. Lord mama said watch out for that type. That skeezer done blow her Winston smoke in my face down at the Porky's one Friday night in a way that just invoked all kinds of unsavory passions. Bitch got me drunk of Lite beer and raped me. Just like them aliens been doing to Earl. I still think that damn "Spatula" thing that crawled out of trailer 5B is one of Earl's freggin' alien spawn off-sprang."
Other townsfolk aren't so convinced that UFOs are the culprit. One such is
Mack Lewis, pictured with his sister Leeza. According to Mack, Earl has been lying for years about his abductions when in fact he has been taking local ladies across the county line to a shack on his daddy's land for what he calls "romantic getaways."
"Damn Earl done been luring all the honies out of Coonesville and taking that sweet virgin flower. Just like he done done to Leeza. Goddamn him to hell, I had had my eye on those tits since she hit puberty" said Mack before breaking down into tears mumbling "she'll just never feel the same, tainted forever."
Upon his return, Earl graphically detailed the abduction:
"I was out in front of 8C, watering my girlfriend's used-tire flower-pots, the ones under the IROC-Z engine hangin'
from that oak limb i been using as a hoist when i done seen it again, that alien ship a comin' for me. Usually i run, but lately i just give up. That tractor-beam just too damn strong. Now this one wudn't no saucer thang, more like an old Winnebago. It got me, only this time no anal probe right away. Instead they done take me to the mother ship. It was real nice. Looked like that mythical triple-wide old codger Sam always ramblin' bout seeing one time in Biloxi when he gets too drunk. There was country curtains, smelled like pork chops, even a picture of the General Lee over the toilet. I thought them aliens gonna treat me right for a change. I was dead wrong, I got more anal probes than ever. They done impregnated me eight times and keeping those damn babies so they can give em to my exes so they can claim child support. Damn conspiring UFOs."
Whether Mack or Earl or too be believed is unknown. Nonetheless, Sheriff Johnson has warned that townsfolk should watch out for aliens and brandish sawed-off shotguns and pitchforks for defense. He added "and don't be downtown hiring no whores neither."
Two long suspected vigilantes
accused of involvement in the "Special Olympics"
maiming were finally apprehended last Friday night in the
parking lot of the local Coonseville Lion's Club. The two
were arrested upon leaving "Friday Night Double Card
Bingo Madness" and were found to be armed with a sawed
off 22g. shotgun, several bingo blotters, and a large bottle
of Astro Glide.
The criminals, 54 year old Starletta-Lynn
"Heat 'n Serve" Donoho and her 23 year old
lover Heffner Limburg, admitted to the 1996 assault of 20 year old, Reginald
Scottsvail IV. Known for being the local special kid and grocery bag boy at
Bell's Grocery store that's always smiling at people, Scottsvail was shot in
the ass with a frozen paintball while riding his bike outside his home in Shannon's
Trailer Park. He was later transferred to Coonesville City Animal Clinic
to have the paintball removed. Reginald Scottsvail, a.k.a. "Regg
the Sped", only had this to say about the incident:
> Exclusive Interview Audio
In her own defense Starletta-Lynn
claims, "Me an 'm boy was just looking for a place
to park the truck so we's could do a little work on 'm plumbin
ya know and then this big ole devil came along down the road
on a 10 speed looking like Boss Hog, rest his sweet southern soul, wit dem skin chiggers. I thought it was dem damn aliens
coming for me and my stud boy 'cuz ya know how they like to
dress up and we was scared! I said, "Shoot dat devil!"
and Mhatty got out his paint ball gun an shot him dead in
his nether parts. I was mad we was fixin on shootin up a cow
later that night after the lovin. When we saw it was 'Regg
the Sped' with dat der ball of paint wedged in the side 'a
his ass we laughed and laughed. We
drove that there block 3 times over to see him rollin on the
ground squealin like a hog-tied pig. Tell that there warden
I need glue for 'm dentures! "
Heffner Limburg was not
available for comment on the shooting. Police say he was attending
a prison blanket party at the time of the interview but further
attempts to contact him for comment will be made.
After recieving a harassing phone call, Chevy-Buford Robinson called the local Coonesville Police Department to report the incident. After the hot donut light was turned off, Deputy Crawford raced
to the scene from where the phone call had originally been placed. What Crawford found was astonishing. A she-male thing who called itself "spatula." No forms of identification could be found on it, but sources close to PorkGravy say that it's the product of local porn star, Amazing Grace, who could not be contacted at the time of this report. The results of a gender and paternity test will be published here just as soon as Chief Roberts gets the chance to "have his way with 'her'." Until then tell us what you think....